Interview with April Beyer, Professional Matchmaker and Relationship Coach
Recently, I caught up with April Beyer for an inspiring talk about relationships. April is the real deal!! She is passionate about what she does and she is good at it!! She has been featured on ABC’s 20/20, CBC, NBC, MSNBC, iVillage live!, Playboy Radio, Star 98.7 and she is a regular guest expert on the Dr Phil Show.
Tell us a little bit about how you got in matchmaking?
I started out working at a Matchmaking company in Los Angeles back in 98/99. To be honest, at that time it was just a job. I quickly became interested in the dating process. I heard every post date story. Why a man pursued one woman and not another. I was fascinated by the “he said, she said” and was amazed at what I learned. At that time, I had no idea this would become my passion and life’s work. I started Beyer and Company in 2003. I felt the industry was lacking the care and personal touch that clients needed and deserved.
Is there a particular moment that comes to mind when you realized matchmaking was your calling?
I remember the exact moment! Many years ago, I found myself in the office at 10 p.m on a New Year’s Eve. There I was, calling my clients and leaving messages about the dates I was lining up for them. I was so worried that my clients would not have their holiday dates and didn’t want them to have to wait. For a moment I thought, “What am I doing here?” I was not at all concerned with my own plans for New Year’s, I was completed invested in my client’s happiness.That was the moment I knew this was much bigger than just a job. I’m good at what I do because I care about the outcome.
I could not agree with your more, April! I feel like when you find your passion, it finds you right back and sticks to you. You don’t stop to ask yourself why you are doing it, you just do!
Yes!! It is something that you cannot teach or train someone to have. The wonderful thing about it is , once you develop it other skills grow from it. For instance, I have really developed listening skills. I watch and I pay attention to the smallest of details. I could be asking someone about the weather and by paying attention to how they discuss and am starting to understand what kind of partner is right for them.
What is a bigger problem for your clients: They don’t meet enough people or they don’t know what to say when they do meet someone that interests them?
Both. The biggest problem that I find with most singles is that they are looking in the wrong direction. Their choices in partners do not support what they say they are looking for. Therefore, they have the wrong audience and they perceive it to be not knowing what to say or not meeting enough people.
Most singles have a clear picture of what they want and not a clue about what they need. There’s a difference! I really don’t believe that anyone’s problem is not meeting enough people. You only need one and if you know what you’re doing you won’t need a revolving dating door in order to make a solid choice in a partner.
Completely agree! When people come to you who are tired of dating, what is it that they want from a relationship that they can’t achieve through casual dating?
When my male clients come to me it’s because they have grown weary of the dating scene. They recognize that all of the superficial relationships and random dating has not brought them to a place of happiness. My clients are all incredibly successful and driven men. They get to a point where they’re ready for the next level and playing the field is no longer a fun thing to do. Seeking me out is just like hiring a head hunter. They truly want a partner and a family. The casual daters don’t seem to resonate with me. Men that want something lasting with an exceptional woman do really well with me. Money and success don’t make men marriage minded. Maturity does.
How do you get people to “prepare” for being in a relationship? Does the same advice work for both men and women?
Preparing men and women for relationship is about 75% of what I do. People come to me for dates and wind up learning a great deal about themselves in the process. I take each client and learn about his life. What his strengths and weakness are, what fills his life up and what is the one key component that is missing. Most of the time people are basing their choices from old beliefs or events from the past. Men and women are so different. Therefore, my advice is different. The only thing that remains for both is my encouragement to constantly check in with their instincts and to learn to be more vulnerable. I know that seems like a negative word, but it’s our most valuable asset. When you can open your heart, you allow someone to walk through the door. I have to say that I see more women struggling with this then men!!
I am also a fan of vulnerably, you can’t really learn or grow with someone unless you are willing to share what you don’t know or are unsure of. What advice do you give to your clients about making a good first impression?
Put your best foot forward. Be inquisitive, not interrogative. Ask questions that mean something and be interested in the answer. Be in someone’s presence to simply learn about them without agenda. Who cares if he or she is the one! Just have fun and get to know someone new! Make eye contact. Establish a connection. Compliment someone when it’s real and coming from a place of authenticity. For men, I tell them to make a woman feel safe and protected. The good time Charlie’s of the world may get the girl for the moment, but the nice guys get her for life. The list goes on.
So true!! Have you ever matched a couple certain of their chemistry with each other yet they had issues with communication? Did they overcome?
You’ve just hit on why I have a career!! I cannot tell you how many couples I have introduced that were perfect for one another and the inability to communicate their needs was the reason why the relationship didn’t get off the ground.
My specialty is getting people to go back for that 2nd or 3rd date. I think of myself as a teacher of communication. Love and relationships are just the icing on the cake.
I have seen couples overcome this obstacle with my help but only when they were willing to put themselves out there and not fear total honesty.
One woman in particular had difficulty telling a man what she needed. If I hadn’t pushed for her to talk to him, he would have never known how to step up to the plate. They almost didn’t make it. Men want us to tell them what we need. They rely on the roadmap. There’s a positive way to do it without sounding needy or desperate.
We (at SocialBling) tend to think the best communication skills a person can have consist of two traits – listening and asking questions based on what you hear. Do you agree or disagree? When matching people do their skills in these areas need to match the other or can one be better at it to make the relationship work?
I totally agree. It’s how I handle my interviews which enables me to really get to know someone. Communication is audience based. You should never have a ready made set of questions for all of your encounters. Every moment is a new moment.
I do believe that one person in the relationships can be the super star with communication and lead the other if they fall behind. Most women are better at this then men. If you find a great guy, he will rise to the occasion. I was just married in September. I am a communicator by trade and yet when I met my husband it was abundantly clear that I was the leader in this arena. You should see him now! He puts me to shame. At our wedding, he blew me away with his words and expression of love for me and my family.
You learn quickly in this process to never judge someone with where they are at. We all can’t be at the finish line at the same time. Sometimes a man or a woman has a quiet strength that might be missed if you aren’t looking closely.
Oh yes, you got married! Congratulations! From your experience, what advice are you giving yourself as you establish the foundation of your relationship?
Thank you, life is good right now!! Our marriage has taken our relationship to a much deeper level. Consideration for one another is key and I remind myself of that daily. It’s the most important ingredient in every great relationship.
It’s not about me. It’s about us. He is my priority and I am his.
If we take care of each other’s needs, then both are met with excitement, patience and love and no one feels alone or out in the cold.
Last question, using your skills for matchmaking, what two people would you like to bring together to impact positive change?
I would love to see a Politician unite with a spiritual teacher or leader. Those two would most likely never get together but it’s much needed in our world.
To learn more about April: